There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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