he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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