I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
