Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
