I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will be naked everywhere
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
