Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
