the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
