Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
