1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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