True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
