Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
