Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
