In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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