Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
