yo everyone went to the hospital last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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