and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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