Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
