My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
