you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
