I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
