happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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