I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
