Non-Jews are for practice
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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