oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
