Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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