somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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