we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
try to milk me bitch
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