I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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