There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i've created a new STD.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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