we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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