cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
