once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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