you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He felt like a one man threesome
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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