Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
