I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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