Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
