Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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