Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
