All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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