Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
