using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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