You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
