I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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