Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
