it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
