I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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