Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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