You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
