if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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