That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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