worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
