I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
