So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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