One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
